Facing my Own Truths
“Another aspect of the emotional pain that is an intrinsic part of the ego mind is a deep seated sense of lack or incomplete-ness, of not being whole. In some people, this is conscious, in others, unconscious. If it is conscious, it manifests as the unsettling and constant feeling of not being worth or good enough. If it is unconscious, it will only be felt indirectly as an intense craving, wanting and needing.” -Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, page 45
I am starting this blog post with this quote because when I read it as I was sitting in a park, trying to find “peace” minding my own “business” I literally burst out laughing. You ask, and you shall receive, as they say. I talked about not feeling good enough with my therapist in our session just over an hour earlier, and here I was, opening to the last page where I had left off, and this was my starting point.
I want you to re-read that quote and then close your eyes. What do you see? What comes to mind?
For me, I saw several things. I saw myself struggling with this ego mind while facing one of the darkest periods of my time recovering from the accident I was in. When all you have is yourself, your mind, and your body, shit comes loose. The foundation and safety net of focusing on your worries, incompleteness, of lack, I am not ____ enough, cannot survive once you are met with the most raw, vulnerable, and inescapable Self that is within you. I have begun to realize during this time period, for years of my life I have developed an unhealthy coping strategy of being addicted to helping other people, proving them right, trying to make them proud, giving them everything while ignoring my own needs, desires, and feelings. It has gotten so bad that in the same week that I found out I had two herniated disks in my neck and spine and another fluid build up in my shoulder (as a result of the accident), I wanted to go to a huge professional networking event. While it hurts to walk. Like I cannot walk without pain. The math ain’t mathing. I had to face all of this when I saw my therapist today and she asked me just so simply, “how are you feeling with everything going on?” I did not want to answer. It is too painful. It is so uncomfortable for me to have needs and ask for help because I was never made to feel like my needs were important as a kid. My parents and everyone else’s needs were made to be important.
My therapist asked me today, “What would it feel like to just give yourself the time right now to heal and really focus on loving yourself?” I know the answer to this- it would feel amazing. It would feel like the most important time of my life. It would lead to something even bigger than myself. I know this to be true.
I have realized that I have been experiencing this sense of lack consciously and unconsciously at the same time for many many years. I have experienced times where this nagging feeling is quieter, I am more content, and things feel easier. But for the most part, I continuously live every day trying to prove that I am worthy of love. By being successful, and by most importantly being selfless and helping other people, I have trained myself to feel that this is where my value is. And it leaves me feeling like I have no idea who I am. What I like, dislike, my favorite things, my identity feels like it disappears when I am faced with these moments.
During the months leading up to the accident, I was drinking heavily, drinking obscene amounts of caffeine, attracting negative people and toxic situations to fill the void I have gotten so comfortable with throughout the years. I felt like I was spinning. I want you to picture the Tasmanian devil from looney tunes. I even began to grow a snaggle tooth. I am kidding, but I literally felt like I was out of control. I felt worthless. I felt myself begging the universe, spirit, anyone, to help me. I felt so stuck and anxious, disappointed with myself, feeling like I was undeserving of anything good or happy, real love, because I was-yet again- a failure. I felt like I had allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated by a person that I thought loved me. It was never supposed to amount to anything because it was a lesson. I feel strongly that every hardship and horrible time I have had has brought me right here to this present moment.
The accident was, I believe, the spiritual awakening that has been coming for quite some time now. Many decisions I was unsure about, I would feel very hesitant to make any changes, and would consistently receive the message, “just wait a little longer.” I did not know it at the time but I was being prepared for the transformation of a lifetime. When you experience a near death experience, it takes some time to truly realize what it means for you. The crash and this entire experience has given me a new life. It has given me the opportunity to be cracked completely open, and be extremely vulnerable. I have been faced with the continuous challenge of needing to change myself in order to heal myself.
I share this with you, dear reader, because I want you to know this very important thing. The biggie. The major enchilada. That it is okay to take care of yourself. To do things just because. To cry, and to fall down, to crash, and pick up the pieces and just try again. Again and again and again and again as the great Charli xcx once sang.
