Healing After a Breakup
I wrote this article when I was practicing as an associate therapist. I worked with a lot of clients that were going through painful breakups, and I got very interested in the emotional, psychological, and biological effects of a breakup on a person’s wellbeing. Hope you find this informative and helpful!
The ending of a relationship can elicit a wide range of emotional responses. In my work as a therapist, breakups are a fairly common reason for someone seeking therapy. I have recently worked with several clients that are confused by the wide range of emotions that they go through post breakup. Noticing the commonalities between clients and the lack of extensive research on the effects of breakups has made me question- what makes breaking up so painful and challenging for us to understand and what influences us on a biological, psychological, and social level when an intimate relationship ends?
I recently stumbled upon a video where a therapist (morgan-@mind.psy.guidance on instagram) discussed what is not usually considered when understanding breakups from a psychological standpoint. She introduced three different experiences that we go through during a breakup that I will break down below. Watching her video got me thinking about the way we that view breakups and how we overcome them. The old phrase: “time heals all wounds” may feel disheartening for some. I wanted to research what actually happens to us when we go through a breakup to potentially create new ways of conceptualizing ways to support clients through this process.
I want to note that each one of these concepts can be challenging to navigate by themselves. When we end a relationship, we may actually be experiencing all three of these processes at once. (No wonder seeking therapy after a breakup is common!). The combination of multiple experiences at one time may contribute to the lack of understanding of breakup recovery since there are a wide variety of symptoms being presented that may change from week to week.
Here are the three concepts that I feel are important in understanding breakups:
First Concept: The Biological Effects of Withdrawals
Have you ever heard of the phrase “love is a drug”? Well, on a physiological level, when we fall in love there are different biochemical reactions that happen in our bodies that can mimic someone becoming addicted to a substance. Oxytocin, Dopamine, and Serotonin are influenced when we are falling in love due to the emotional and physical “euphoria” that we may experience when experiencing physical and emotional intimacy with another person. It is natural to want more of those feel good chemicals.
When someone is going through a breakup, they may actually be experiencing physical withdrawal from the feel good chemicals that have been influenced over time by their partner. It is not just a “Honeymoon Phase.” We are biologically influenced by relationships and there is research to back this. (See the articles that I cited in the resources section below for more in depth information about the specific physiological reactions that have been studied comparing the brain scans of individuals in love with those addicted to cocaine).
Someone going through withdrawals from a substance may feel uncomfortable and experience heightened symptoms such as anxiety and depression during the initial stages of withdrawal. This can also happen when after the end of a relationship as we no longer have access to the “drug” or relationship that has been consistently producing more of our natural feel good chemicals.
Second Concept: The Psychological Effects of Grief
Experiencing grief after a breakup is something mainstream society does not talk enough about. We are losing someone when a relationship ends. In some ways, it may even feel like this person has died. The sadness, anger, confusion, and anxiety that one feels when grieving the loss of someone that has passed can be similar to how we experience a breakup. How I view grief and loss is helpful when processing a breakup: there is no “right” way to feel.
Sometimes we may feel like we need to get over it or move on, but prolonging or ignoring the feelings of grief and loss that stem from a breakup may make these feelings increase over time. It is important to note symptoms of grief when supporting clients that are coping with a recent breakup. The wide range of symptoms may feel confusing, but if we conceptualize breakups similarly to how we view loss, we can hold space more effectively and allow our clients space to process what comes up for them.
Third concept: The Social aspect-Loss of Sense of Self and Identity
When we are in an intimate relationship, we are not only building a new relationship with that person, but we may also be changing our own identity. It can be very disorienting when a relationship ends to be left with feelings like: “who am I without this person?”or “What did I enjoy before we met?” This process of reestablishing one’s identity can also come into play with other life transitions such as quitting a job or relocating.
Breakups tend to influence this feeling in a deeper way due to the intimacy we can experience in a close relationship bond. We may be sharing sides of ourselves that no one else sees, or being vulnerable in ways that we wouldn’t normally be. This is a normal reaction to a larger psychological process of reinventing one’s sense of self and building ego strength after a breakup.
I think it is important to consider these three psychological concepts when seeking help and processing the ending of a relationship. Breakups affect us on a physiological level, our symptoms may mirror the feelings of grief and loss, and it can influence our sense of self and identity in a social context.
It is important for mental health professionals to view breakups through this biological, psychological, and social lens to better support clients moving through one or all of these experiences at once. I feel that studying these concepts more in depth has helped me better understand my clients who feel confused and perplexed by the wide range of symptoms that they are experiencing after a relationship ends.
Ways to Support Yourself:
Remember to be gentle with yourself if you are experiencing a breakup.
Getting support or having a therapist to talk to may be useful in processing your feelings.
Utilize resources, listen to podcasts or look into experts on breakups. I recommend Amy Chan as a starting place for understanding this process in a more in depth way.
Surround yourself with support systems and activities that bring you joy.
Refocusing on yourself may feel unnatural at first, but understand that you may be experiencing the social process of reestablishing your identity-and that this is normal.
Breathe.
Know that you are not alone in your experience.
Hopefully knowing more about the biological, psychological, and social effects of breakups can help with understanding why it can be so challenging to move through the ending of a relationship and shed more light on how to support individuals moving through this stage of life.
Helpful tools and resources:
People:
Amy Chan (relationships and breakups expert)
@breakupbootcamp
Website: www.amy_chan.com
Book: Breakup Bootcamp The Science of Rewiring Your Heart
References:
